I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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