when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Randomize
