Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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