While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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