My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
