im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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