There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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