I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
