If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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