She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
