I am spending my child support on dildos
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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