My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
