Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i drank out of a bidet.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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