She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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