My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
