I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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