'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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