You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
