Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Randomize
