This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
