You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
