Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
