dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
