Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
