I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
