I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
