there's paper in my vomit.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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