i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
