I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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