i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
