The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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