It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I need to sanitize my soul.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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