had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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