im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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