he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
