Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
