i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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