Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
