Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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