Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
