youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
