so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
