just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
