I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
