Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
