Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
