xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
