I accidentally had phone sex last night
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
