from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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