My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
