Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
