apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
