Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
