I'm sorry my penis didn't work
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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