she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
