This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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