So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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