You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I have aggressive nipples.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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